Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
