I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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