Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
