no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
