I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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