We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I need a burrito and a hug.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
