those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
