I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
