I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
