Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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