Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
