just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
