Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
