a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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