so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
