I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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