lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
