What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
