Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
