a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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