marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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