i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
