Define "chronic" masturbator.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
