i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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