I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
