alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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