um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
