I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
