Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I use my feet as sexual weapons
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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