Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
