At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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