birth control should be required to get into college
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
