So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
