i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
