note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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