god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
