Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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