So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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