She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
