you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
