in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
