Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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