I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
