I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
