he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
