I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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