I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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