At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
