Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
