I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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