Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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